So I'm Gonna Try This....

Rebooting an older blog to review books. Why not? I'm a jack of all trades.

I can draw

I'm a welder

I'm a runner

I'm a merchandiser for a beer company

I'm a newly diagnosed type 1 diabetic

I like to learn

Thinking about starting my own geek business again.

I'm a smartass

I've been told that I should write a book

And I love to read

I think I can add book reviewer to my list of can do activities.

Getting Older.......Wiser is Just One of the Perks

I'll be 37 next week. Then I'll only have 3 years till I hit 40.

What the fuck, Chuck?

Where does the time go? 

Last I remembered I was in school getting bullied by other snot nosed fuckers. Now........I'm....not getting bullied.....as much. Well...I work retail. Some of those snot nosed fucker grew into cranky old fuckers. But that's them. I actually enjoy getting older.

I've got the grey hair...I'm getting the wrinkles.....and thank the gods it's the good wrinkles. Around the eyes cause I'm deliriously happy too much. Not the angry murder face wrinkles. Most importantly....my perspective has changed so much over the years. I used to hide everything about me. Used to give a shit about how I came across to people...that quite honestly....held no weight in my life (sometimes I still do, but I'm getting the good sense to question that). 

Sure I have ups and downs...but so does everyone. I'm just glad that I have enough sense to keep learning and have the older point of view.....that a twenty something could never dream of having....while I'm learning

I'm sorry twenty somethings....but most of what seems like earth shattering/life ending news won't mean jack shit to you once you hit 30. Also....hitting thirty is another one of those no earth shattering things. 

Suck it up. Life happens.

Even when you stand still and do nothing about it. 

Van Gogh Has Got Nothing on Me.

So on this great quest called life...I have found out one more thing about myself. Not a huge life shattering realization. Also.....totally unexpected. All my relationship life....I figured I was monogamous. That's what I saw around me. Figured that's the way it was. Accepted it for the truth. Had no need to question it.

Then later....I had jealousy. Over stupid shit. But.....and here's the kicker......it wasn't the other person doing anything major. It was me. Feeling so insecure and small. Worthless and ugly. I've been accused of cheating. But again...it's all self worth...or lack of....that fuels most arguments....or anger towards other people. I'm the kinda person that if whoever I was with at the time was hit on...by anyone.....I was proud. That some other person besides me finds who I'm with as an attractive and highly desirable person. It was a turn on in a way. 

Mainly what I've found out is.....I'm NOT a monogamous person. Maybe never was in reality. I've always had a wandering eye (many of us do). I figured my sudden "boredom" with the person I was with was just normal. And the curiously of having a relationship with others was perhaps a design flaw on my part. So I buried it as best as I could. 

First things first...I have NEVER cheated....physically. I've always been doggedly loyal to whoever I was with. Not saying I hadn't thought about straying....and had made some serious moves towards not being loyal. I'm human. I do what most humans do. Live, desire, want, need, hope, wish, lust. It's our nature. It's how we've survived all these years.

Basically....I'm polyamorous. Not gonna go into details of how I found this out. Not everyone's business that has access to the Internet. It's the only other thing....besides separating from an unhappy marriage....that I've felt so sure of. No guilt, no second guesses, no.....doubt.....as to this being who I am. Sure there will be moments of jealousy. But I'll stop to ask myself during those moments....what do I think is fueling that? Why do I feel less that perfect? Cause, babe, we're all perfect in our own way. We have out flaws and our strengths that paint our canvas of who we are. 

We are our own artists. To express just what we see, what we feel, how we love, why we weep.....and that we are the best gift on this goddamn earth to ever exist.

Can't Deny.......My Hair Gets the Compliments.......but Possibly.....Boobs

So I was wasting time before a movie at Walmart........yeah can't believe I was there either......wearing my headphones listening to tunes...minding my own business. All a sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and some dude was standing there. He actually stopped me to say that my hair was awesome. I figured he'd leave it at that and move on.

Nope.

I know he's from Texas, works at some office supply place, and likes to shop at Walmart for the prices......But alas, i forgot his name. Now...don't get me wrong, I don't mind being friendly....having said that I'm also not an idiot. I don't give out every detail about me to someone I don't know.....or Joe Serial Killer.

I think I talked to the guy for 15 mins about whatever wasn't too personal. Shook the guy's hand.....and he started talking again.

And that's when I realized it's not just because of my hair.

I think it was my super fucking awesome Mario shirt.

Sometimes I Sing in the Shower.

..........Sometimes in the car. I love music. Always have. It has evolved from nothing but heavy metal/thrash to anything from IZ to Ella Fitzgerald....Megadeth to KMFDM. It has been there in good times and bad. Cheered me up when I felt low. Made me cry when it struck a nerve. Kept me sane when I wanted to die. Gave me strength when I had none. And most importantly...it's kept me from killing all the stupid motherfuckers that think they know more than me. Cause I have anger issues. A lot of them. I get complete rage moments when I wanna rip the skin off people's faces and wear the skin like a hat. Music calms that beast. Seriously if I didn't have music along with my strong values against murder........I'd of totally Ed Geined a lot of people. Or...I woulda ended it all at 16 like I wanted to. So glad I didn't......even though today's music makes me wanna shove a hot poker up my ass while eating a cactus whole. But I digress. Sorry, kids......but my music was better. Mainly for the anger themes. Unlike today's emo crap. Fuck you. I'm getting old.

I'm an Equal Opportunity Employer

Meaning I have known since I was a teen...that I'm bisexual. Never questioned it. I hid it. Basically because growing up in a small town in the Midwest; not very aspect of who you are is accepted. I only shared it with a small few I trusted deeply. Unfortunately it has been used against me by some people I did trust. Not sure if it was insecurities with themselves or what. But the small jokes and hints really fucking hurt me. I took it as they didn't accept me....as a whole person. Cause my sexual preference is part of who I've always been. It's not a phase. It won't go away. Not a disease to catch. And actually...I'm tired of being ashamed of it. Why....why the fuck should I be ashamed that I don't care what package a potential friend and lover comes in? Also.....no I haven't always been looking at everyone sexually. I do like to have basic friends. It's not all about sex. I used to have a mad crush on Calisto on Xena the Warrior Princess. I also had a huge poster of Xena on my wall. Seriously....is had strong lesbian undertones. Have you ever seen the episode "Day in the Life"? Rest my case. Seriously if you think about it...and who I am....how I act....how I prefer to dress....is this really a surprise? I am me......accept me for who I am and what I have to offer. Or fuck off. Makes no difference to me anymore. Life is short....and I'm not getting any younger. Neither are you. Be yourself. Love as many people as you can. Be happy. Anger and hate will only destroy you faster. ....now the love as many people as you can part........that's for another blog. Till then...........night, fuckers.

I Represent the Lollipop Guild.

Not really. I'm way too tall and my voice is too deep. It'd sound better if it was a lollapalooza conglomeration. Fuck guilds. And I realize it's been a few months since I've blogged. I think I shall have to remedy that lack of social virus. Infect everyone with my kaleidoscope point of view and bullshit semantics. Also....I think every time I watch a bioshock infinate advert...I cum a little. No shame in my public printing babble. This is how I fold the origami of life, bitches.